Thursday
Sep062007
Entries in Ham on wry (5)
Monday
Jun042007
They always say
We've all heard what "They always say..."
... but just who the F*** are "they," anyway?? Best I can guess is that "They" might be a group like the guys who write Man Law??
To wit: They always say...
Look both ways before crossing the street. What if you're on a One-Way street?? Isn't looking both ways a waste?? Can you substitute Up and Down for the unneeded Left or Right?? I almost broke an ankle on a curb because I wasted a sidelong look in the wrong direction and didn't save it up for the downward glance.
Don't go swimming until an hour after you eat. I used to think this was from a bunch of lazy lifeguards, but now I know it probably did come from parents, but not for the kids' safety. This dawned on me when I used it on the kids over Memorial Day so I could have a Corona after finishing dinner.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Yeah, yeah, I know, "but three lefts do."
A watched pot never boils. Actually, this one is true.
It's always darkest before the dawn. Probably written by someone on a Walk of Shame.
You can't go home anymore. Probably written by the same guy.
Anymore suggestions??
Monday
Jun042007
The Last Really Cool Jobs
Before baristas, energy futures traders, online auction consultants, and pet psychologists roamed the Earth, what were the great jobs to have?? Here are two that just don't exist anymore, that must have been cool:
Street Namers
Think about it. They're all taken. Main Streets, Oak Streets, Elm Streets. Must've been either people with a tree fetish, or NO imagination (1st Street, 2nd Street). I totally get Broadway, but just who exactly are all the King Streets named after, anyway?? 
King George? King Kong? King Vitaman?? [King Vitaman, incidentally, and Captain Crunch, will SHRED the roof of your mouth. You have been warned.] And what's the deal with Boulevard and Avenue?? A sign-maker who charged by the letter?? That would explain the names of two roads near where I live. "Upper Grassy Hill Road" and "Hoop Hole Hill Road."
Nowadays, only the purveyors of suburban sprawl get to name their new cul-de-sacs, and they've got NO imagination whatsoever! They either name the roads after their daughters, or try to sound British, like "Wintonbury Court."
State Line Makers
Now THIS is a lost art! And very reflective of differing abilities, hostilities, and geometric approaches--yes, geometric, not geographic. I'll explain.
Cubist: Wyoming, Colorado.
Left-right brained: Texas. Linear on the western side, groovy on the north and east borders.
Dislexic: They assigned the same person to do Missouri, and then its up/down mirror image to the South, Arkansas.
Unable to swim (or lazy): The folks who stopped at the water's edge. See Ohio, Kentucky, Vermont, New Hampshire. And how about the team assigned to map westward from Montana to Idaho. "Well, we started out good and straight, but look at those mountains, Charlie! Aw screw it, find a river, draw a line, and just fill in the rest."
Vengeful (or drunk): No other way to describe the infamous Soutwick Jog/Granby Notch between Massachusetts and Connecticut, and Michgan's Upper Peninsula, perched atop Wisconsin. Clearly someone wanted to keep their next-door neighbors in Massachusetts. "Okay, Helen, your Mother can move in next-door, but there's no way she's living in this state!"
Stoned (or late to the game): The dudes who did West Virginia and Maryland. Shape-wise, they're my two favorite states, but those guys either showed up to work really late, after all the surrounding land was claimed... or really stoned, and got really, really creative.
Either way, those must've been cool jobs.
Monday
Apr232007
AllerGEEZ
Picture one: What allergies are doing to my ass today.
Picture two: What allergies are doing to my head today.
(Picture credit: Chris DiClerico)
Picture three: All I've got to fight those allergies with today at the office.
(Picture credit: The Adventures of Accordion Guy)
Time to ramp up the pharmaceuticals!
Update on Monday, April 23, 2007 at 08:29PM by
Wryter
Wryter
And on top o' that, I never saw it coming this morning... until I broke my number one rule...
Friday
Jul282006
Summer sampler: Slices of 'Toast'
Should anybody stop by while I'm on vacation, please make sure the papers aren't at the bottom of the driveway, and that the outside lights are on. Readership is ever so slightly up, so here's a few slices of 'Wry' from the bread drawer.
What I'll be doing in five years (if I practice)
Seeing my father through my son's eyes
I'm the only one who thought this was funny. And I still DO.
Go home with Bonnie Jean (I never completed my thought process here. Soon I will.)
