Friday
04Jul2008

"It was 232 years ago today" Wry-ku

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*

After all this time

Philadelphia Freedom

Still self-evident?

*

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Thursday
03Jul2008

The death of Socrates

One of his best.

Wednesday
02Jul2008

Didn't you get the Sean Connery one over here?

Nobody does the sad clown like Bill.

Monday
30Jun2008

Independence Day Wry-ku*

 

John%20and%20George.jpg

Paul Giamatti

Sideways from Big Momma's House

You found John Adams

 

* Inspired by true events.  The post immediately below about a man arrested wearing fake boobs, Leezer's Historical Haiku, and made easier by the common denominator:  An actor with a five-syllable name.

Monday
30Jun2008

Real stories that would be rejected at The Onion: Vol. 1.

One%20Blad%20Turn.jpg"Man accused of walking on I-291 with fake breasts"

MANCHESTER, Conn. - A Manchester man has been arrested after he allegedly strolled along Interstate 291 wearing nothing but a thong, fake breasts and a wig.

Police say they received several calls about the man, which prompted an hour-long search over the weekend.

Big%20Momma.jpgPolice said they found the suspect Saturday fully clothed and collecting cans behind a business in Manchester. Police said they also found a wig and fake breasts in the man's car.

Forty-two-year-old David Gebhardt is charged with disorderly conduct and simple trespass. He's free after posting $2,500 bail.

Wednesday
18Jun2008

The Answers at the Back of the Book

I was never good at Science.  

I was too impatient for the Scientific Method.  Why ask more questions than you have to?  Why test your theory when you can just guess?  In 7th Grade Earth Science, I answered correctly that the crusty end result of my final Lab Practical, lying there in the ceramic bowl was sodium chloride.  Salt.

"How did you arrive at your conclusion?" asked Mr. A. 

"I followed the first few steps, and then did this," I replied, wetting my index finger with my tongue, digging into the still warm dish, and then tasting it.  "See?  Salt!"

"What do you think your'e doing?!?"  Mr. A. shouted.  "What if that wan't salt?  It could have killed you."

"This is 7th grade," I answered confidently.  "You're not going to let us play with something that's gonna kill us."

Logic.  But the wrong kind.  I got a 50.  Right answer.  Wrong proof.

I wasn't too hot at Algebra, either. 

Again, the "logic" gene that I could apply to situations and debate was tone deaf to facts and figures.  Why trace back the steps of your equation when you could turn to the answers in the back of the book and find out that x=2?

"You can't start with the answer and work your way back from it," Miss F. used to say.  "That's not how Algebra works."

It's not.  It's not how life works, either.

russert_slide9.jpgBut today, I saw the answer that I want to have at the end of my life's book.  It was delivered in a eulogy on national television, about a man of my faith, of my avocation, whom I met once, and whose death affected me not as a child who knows one day he will lose his father... but as a father, tapped on the shoulder for the first time with the notion that someday he will leave his children. 

This answer, it turns out, was delivered in the shortest of all the tributes given today; and by the ONE person amid Brokaw, Cuomo, Barnicle, and Shriver who actually needed an introduction. 

Her name is Betsy Fischer.  And this is what she said.

Almost every morning for the last 10 years, Tim would call at exactly 9:00 a.m. and say, "Hey, Bets, what do you know?"  What I wouldn't give for that phone call tomorrow morning.

I'd happily suspend all talk of news, politics, and Washington gossip and I'd tell [you] some thing that I've
come to know since last Friday afternoon.

I'd say there is a nation mourning the loss of a great man ... and a trusted friend. 

And after you heard my morning rundown, you'd say this is all part of life.  We have to move forward, lean on each other, and cherish all the good times and live every day to its fullest.  But, live it with honor and integrity, and always reach down to help someone else up.  You'd say take these incredible lessons of life that I leave with each of you and live them as you remember me. 

And I'd believe every word because ... you have never once steered me wrong.

That is the answer that I want at the end of my life's book.  And this, too, is a book that you can't work backwards from.

I've got some work to do.

Tuesday
03Jun2008

it's like they KNOW us

Goodbye Gatorade! So long, Starbucks!

Until AMP, I had always thought the Walk of Shame soundtrack (which I now use for my Walking Through an Airport Terminal With Heavy Bags was from Stripes.)

Monday
02Jun2008

Some nice things I've missed

Nice%20things.jpgWhen Frank Sinatra came out of retirement, he released an album called "Some Nice Things I've Missed," and proceeded to cover other peoples' stuff.  I know this because the 8-track was part of Dad's collection. 

That said, there have been some things I've missed durign the hiatus.  This list will be added to as they come to mind.

Six-word memoir.  (My first choice is to do what Frank did.  So I plaigiarize Leezer, who pinched Colbert.  The second I uttered to myself this morning, after my shower, on the way to the hall closet to purloin a new tube of toothpaste.  It's oddly fitting.  The third is practically my mantra.) 

1.  Well, I thought it was funny.

2.  I'd better put some pants on.

3.  Don't leave home without a hankie.

Me%20in%20CPAP.jpgTelling you all about my stint at NASA.  It's true.  Almost.  It feels like NASA everytime I harness myself into my jet-age CPAP-2000!!!  For non-snorers, CPAP is a device that is supposed to alleviate the harmful effects of sleep apnea.  Sleep apnea is snoring so bad that one stops breathing, depriving the snorer of sleep (to say nothing about one's "sleep partner").  So this device provides a Continuous Positive Air Pressure flow via a compressor, tube and mask.  It's designed to keep your air passageways open to alleviate sleep apnea's harmful effects.  I've found that it alleviates the harmful effects of sleep apnea by alleviating one of sleep entirely. 

CPAP%20One.jpgThe CPAP is sold as a light and fluffy pillow of air, evoking images of starry nights.  Then you get fitted for one, evoking the feeling of a Mercury-era star fighter. 

My advice:  If your doctor prescribes one, skip the high-priced med supply stores and go to your nearest Army/Navy Surplus store. 

The Office Season Finale.  I've been looking all over for this latest Michael Scott quote on Holly, the new HR lady.  I've been scouring YouTube and others to find it.  The only place is on the NBC site with the whole episode.  If you can survive the ads, go to the 4th segment, at about 25 minutes, for this gem:

Lady%20Baker2.jpg"Holly is sweet, and simple.  Like a lady baker.  I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here.  She has that kind of warmth.  I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level."

 

 

Monday
02Jun2008

Label Wry-ku

Labels by the score.

Father, son or Injun Chief?

What's on your name tag?

 

hello_my_name_is3.jpgRepublican.

Democrat.

Liberal.

Conservative.

Gemini.

Scorpio.

Moose.*

Vegan.  Wino.  Rotarian. Hibernian.  Absentee blogger.

Labels. 

We're obsessed with them.  Everyone's got to be in a category.  Last night with the sun setting on the first day of June, our 7 year-old dealt out the labels to his family in the form of handmade placecards with a one-word label next to each name.

Mommy:  "Love."

His sister:  "Candy."  [An exceptional guesture since they'd just been knocking each other around.]

His brother:  "Sick."  ["The good kind," he explained.  "'Like 'Your so seeeeyuck!'"  His older brother approved.]

His Dad:  "Rock."  [No accompanying explanation.  Charitably, yours truly walks away thinking "Dad rocks!"  He stays mum on whether it's a description of my head.  Note to self:  Hike this kid's allowance!]

And so this morning, it occurred to me to ask.  "Hey Danny, you put those words on our placecarcds, but did you put one on yours?"

"Sure, Daddy."

"Well, what did it say?"

"PARTAAAAAY!"

Attaboy, son!

 

PS:  I'm back.  It occurred to me that, like Mr. Ed., I finally have something to say. 

*  Props to Stephanie Klein on her second book!

Tuesday
25Dec2007

"The best gift of Christmas" Wry-ku

366478-1230621-thumbnail.jpgToday, our 11-year old son, who wanted a bell from Santa's sleigh not more than two years ago, survived the FIRST of his two major revelations this year, [Read:  Santa; not Baby].  This morning, he presented his Mom and me with the best gift we could have ever received:  A book of his poetry from school.

366478-1230625-thumbnail.jpgHis work is amazing, including this Haiku.

 

The small blue jay sings
A joyful welcoming song
To summon morning

 

I couldn't have said it better myself--or been more touched--ever.  Merry Christmas.